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Not for Sissies
  by Joanne Ugolini, Psy.D. 

Popular misunderstandings about forgiveness often give the impression that if we forgive, the offender just gets off the hook, justice is not served, and we are left to stew in our anger and resentment. Or we might think, if we “just” forgive (like we’ve been told we should), we will forget, and then not feel the pain anymore.  On the contrary, a thorough study of forgiveness presents a different picture.  In my study, I have found that forgiveness is not for sissies. 

Forgiveness involves making a choice to give up rightful claims to revenge.  Making this choice requires thoughtful, purposeful intent.  It is not a quick fix, but a slow, lengthy process.  Forgiveness can result in releasing us from anger, fear, and bitterness…. eventually.  The process can also involve facing emotions we usually go to great lengths to avoid:  sadness, disappointment, emptiness, abandonment.  Forgiveness does facilitate healing, but it does not necessarily release us from the hurt and the painful memories.  Good thing God is at work in and with us when we choose to forgive. 

Is forgiveness worth pursuing?  I recently heard an account of one person’s assessment of refusing to forgive:  “It’s like being at a banquet.  Anger and resentment are so satisfying that you eat as much as you want….until you are stuffed, and then realize that it’s actually you who’s on the menu.”  Yes, forgiveness is worth pursuing.  Anger and resentment are not static.  If held on to, they will eat us alive. And those around us.   

People often mix up forgiveness with reconciliation.  They are not the same.  Forgiveness is under the sole control of the person offended, independent of the offender. In contrast, reconciliation is dependent on both individuals because it involves restoring a relationship. It requires mutual cooperation and trust.  Reconciliation may (or may not) be an ideal goal following forgiveness, but forgiveness can occur without reconciliation.   

Seeking justice and seeking to forgive may appear to be opposites, but they are actually compatible.  They are two different but necessary processes.  Justice requires acknowledgement of the offense having occurred, and some kind of punishment and reparation. Forgiveness does not release the offender from the responsibility of having committed the harmful action.  Nor does it release the offender from the natural consequences of the offense and the need for restitution and rehabilitation.  What forgiveness does is release the offender from vengeance.  If we stick with the process, it releases us from the desire for revenge…the vengeance we have harbored.   

Facing forgiveness has to do with a movement away from paralyzing anger and a movement forward into freedom and inner peace.  It involves wrestling destructive power away from the offender and restoring control to our lives. Facing forgiveness is certainly not for sissies, and is more than worth the pursuit.  Thanks be to God who has provided a way for this freedom to be ours.   

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